Training Days: Some Background

Because I'm loathe to join Sugasm just to heighten my post count and I really do want to give y'all more stuff to read and respond to (I *LOVE* my commenters!!!!), I've decided to start reposting some of my more defining contributions to The Hang at Max Fisch for further reflection and discussion (esp. since there are quite a few of you who never set foot in the place ... not that I blame you). If you're familiar with my writing over there and there's a particular post of mine that stands out for you, please send me a link so I can consider republishing it here.

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Someone on Max had asked about why there didn't seem to be many independent Dommes training newer Dommes these days. Initially I replied that that was exactly how I came up in the Pro scene, thanks to the time, generosity, and effort of several of the country's well-respected and established professional Dominas. I continue to be influenced by many of them in my practice and still will still seek out their feedback and advice. While the OP seemed to believe that sort of thing no longer goes on, I'm pleased to say that I know several young Dommes who have found mentors and educators from senior members of our professional community. Some folks simply don't need to advertise the fact.

A few posters took issue with the idea that up and coming Dommes needed to be trained by Indies in order to learn anything, that the larger BDSM community was more than capable of teaching them the necessary skills via various public workshops, retreats, and conferences.

This was my reply.

While I have attended a few lifestyle events (Black Rose, Shibaricon (2x)) and workshops (various DSF/TES programs, seminars at Purple Passion, Midori's rope dojo) and I've also done some private consultations with scene pros such as Delano, Scott Smith, Max of Seattle, and others, what I learned there was practically a different universe than what I gained from my apprenticeship and mentoring relationships with active, independent NYC Dommes.

When Domina M started Luxuria, one of the smartest things she did, in my opinion, was to bring in some of the city's most successful and reputable professional female Dominas with proven skills and experience to teach her apprentices. This did a couple of things:

First, we got to see how this stuff really worked in a pro scene, often practicing on active clients (not video hos or houseboys but men who actually pay for sessions with professional Mistresses on a regular basis.). Because I trained mostly on clients, I learned how to play with clients. Men who can't take marks. Who don't have 'leather ass.' Who aren't young or bendy or just willing to endure anything cause they're just so damn happy to have pretty women paying attention to them. I learned how to talk with, negotiate, and understand men who have professional relationships with ProDommes (as opposed to, say, house slaves and personals who have a very different connection to Mistresses). I learned to respect these men who seek our services: what their needs are, what's important to them, what makes them come back. It was market research as much as it was skill development. I can't thank those men enough for their invaluable feedback.

TES and Shibaricon are great and I've learned a lot in those workshops, but I also get super frustrated trying to translate how to do that tie or re-rig that predicament to work for a male bottom because easily 70% of the lifestyle event presenters are male Tops and/or like their demo subs with boobies, limber bodies, long hair and who can also take marks.

Those aren't the people that support my business.

Having those experienced women train us also meant that they had somewhat of an interest in our success. I hope that it makes those women as proud for me to say that they mentored me as it makes me proud to be able to thank them for their support and everything they taught me.

On the other hand, I've taken at least three classes from Midori, including her weekend Dojo intensive: I don't think she'll be posting on any message boards or blogs, "Yeah, Troy *rocks*! Huzzah!" Midori's also not ever going to make as much money for me as I've made for her raving about the Dojo. On the other hand, I share clients with pretty much all of the women who mentored me because we all refer our clients to each other. Domme referrals are a significant part of my business.

I am very happy to do what I can to support and mentor the women in this community who show a sincere interest in developing their business and their skills as a professional Mistress -- just as the women who helped me did so generously and graciously. This is our community, our union even. We work really hard at an incredibly challenging and demanding job. The more we help each other, the more we ALL benefit.

I think the people who think of it as Dommes "training their competition" kinda miss the point. The competitive atmosphere that exists both within the Domme community and as imposed on it by clients is ... well, useless, really. "She the best _____ in the scene today!" Really? What does that mean? For whom?

The "best" Domme is simply the one that's best FOR YOU. Period. She might not be able to tie a shoelace, but if she makes your little sub heart go potato-potato and all your kinky fantasies come true, then she is gonna be The Best Domme as far as you're concerned. As long as I'm managing my business correctly, I should never have to worry about "competition." If my client finds someone else who fulfills his needs better: Mazel Tov! The clients who are right for me will find me when they're the right client for me. When they stop being the right client for me, I'll refer them to my colleagues who I think might be right for them.

Having been mentored by my fellow professional Dominas also means I learned a lot about the ins and outs of the business. Lifestyle players can teach me how to play lifestyle, scene educators can teach me about lots of different aspects of play, from how to negotiate a scene to skill sets to aftercare, but the best advice on how to be a ProDomme is going to come from other ProDommes in my market who are serving my client pool. They're gonna teach me about when to watch a clock and when not to. When to negotiate my Tribute, how, and with whom. How to balance my income and expenses and asset management. How to take care of my taxes and savings. How to assess the cost of a scene, both emotionally/psychologically as well as financially. Some of them are even going to, by example, show me what NOT to do.

Fact is, I've got a pretty great business. I've 4 1/2 years as a ProDomme, 3 1/2 as an Independent. I have my own space, a mess o' gear and high quality equipment, my finances are in order, I'm growing my savings, and I have zero debt. I may not be The. Best. Domme. Anywhere. Ever. but I'm here and I'm doin' alright for myself. And that's because not only did I have the desire to learn and succeed, but I had the support of many incredible, generous, talented professional Independent Dominas, including:

Domina M, Mistress Wynter, HarleQuinn, Mistress Yin, Suzanne SxySadist, Mistress Avalon, Mistress Ariana Chevalier, Cassandra DeVille, Mistress Morgana, Simone Kross, and Amanda Wildefyre.

Ladies, I thank you.

French Brazillian

There's a thread on Max Fisch right now about people with ethnic fetishes. MVX and I were talking about how there are lots of women at Houses who're advertised as being a particular ethnic flava of the month. Clients will call asking for a particular type and the answer's always, "Sure, we've got that!" Whatever it takes to get him in the door. So, that hot Central Asian Mistress of your dreams? She's actually Central American with artfully made up eyes. The spicy Latina with the generous hips? More like a Black Ivy Leaguer from the Bronx. It reminds me how much "domination" is really all about the fantasy for some people.

When I started at Luxuria, our receptionist, who'd previously answered phones for a prominent outcall escort service, said that callers were asking about my "nationality" and she wondered what she should say.

"Tell them I'm an American," I said, rolling my eyes. I sighed. "I dunno, baby. As long as you don't tell them I'm an 'Ebony Mistress' I don't care. Can't you just say I'm smart and attractive and really kinky. Isn't that enough?"

But that's not how it works ... at least not for typical House clientèle. So we decided I'd be "French-Brazilian" because, as the receptionist pointed out, it positions me as both "classy" and "sexy" according to the stereotypes. (Why is there no eye rolling emoticon in Blogger?) One of the many reasons I'm happy not to be a House Domme anymore.

For the record, I'm not French. Or Brazilian.

But I love French food and French wine. And lately I've noticed in session that I tend to talk to myself, and sometimes my clients, in bits of Spanish, though that's not quite Portuguese, it's sorta close. About as close as I am ethnically to Brazilian.

Real life, I find, is so much more compelling than fantasy.

Public Play

There's a neat thread on Max Fisch about "public play you wish you did." I was going to reply, but I haven't posted there in nearly a month and ... I dunno. I like streaks. And I need to post more on my blog. So. Yay for Whip Smart readers!

The other day a guy called me asking for ballbusting. I love ball busting, but two hours in studio of crackin' nuts seemed like a bad idea. Not to mention he was hoping to come in the next day and my schedule was already kinda full.

Then I had this idea. "Hey, are you cute? How old are you? Would we look good together walking down the street?" I asked. He said he thought so. "I've got an idea!" I bubbled. "I'll see you for an hour. If the weather's nice. We'll go out and do your session."

I got really jazzed up at the thought of us walking down the street and every once in a while, I'd rush him up against a building as if to embrace .... and then discreetly knee him in the mini-coconuts. Then I'd grab his hand, laugh and giddily pull him along the sidewalk until I found the perfect spot to do it again. I loved the image of just tumbling through New York City on a beautiful, brisk day and finding ways to attack his package.

A happy kick here. A flying hand there. A knee. An elbow.

I didn't give him all those details; I just said we'd go out and I'd discreetly ball bust him in public. I wanted the scene itself to be a surprise. "Call me tomorrow if you decide you want to do it," I said. He didn't. We didn't. But damn, I thought it was a great idea.

Fantasy and Asshattery

Many of you know I participate -- with diminishing pleasure -- on the MaxFisch discussion board. In fact, I hadn't been posting here so much last week because I was busy tending to a very interesting discussion of the role of fantasy in a professional session. There were some rather thoughtful responses to my initial inquiry, particularly from knightwish, MVX, whizzer, and felicia. Worth reading it all, actually.

However, I also found myself in a bit of a heated exchange with another poster on a different thread. After I'd made a particularly snide reply to a poster who was positing that more professional dominatrices "should try nudity in their sessions" because it's so "empowering," I received a private message from an observer tsk tsking me for "losing my cool." This wasn't the first time I've been privately chastised by male participants for being aggressive? scornful? unladylike? on that board.

This is my blog, so I will vent here with snide, scornful, aggressive unladylikeness: Whatthefuck?!?

I am no goddess on a pedestal. I'm a woman. A grown ass woman, even. As a professional service provider dealing with a very specific public, I moderate my reactions constantly despite being frequently presented with statements or inquiries I find deeply offensive. So when I hit that tipping point, I fully reserve the right to call someone an asshat. I am not showing a lack of control when I do so, believe me. My reaction could have been much stronger.

It's really just stunning to me how often men presume to tell me how I should behave, especially when they have no personal relationship with me whatsoever.

Ruined Orgasms

Someone had a thread on MF about these recently. I find them unbearably cruel. There've been a few times, believe it or not, that I've been on the receiving end of one of those during sex and ... gah. Talk about frustrating.

Reading the thread reminded me of a series of scenes I did with a client a while ago. We'd been doing a lot of chastity training and I'd decided that any orgasm he had must be either a ruined one or at the very least dreadfully uncomfortable. Once I put paper cuts and scalpel cuts all over his cock and gave him a dollop of lemon juice and lube to masturbate. Another time I slathered his cock with Icy Hot, slid a condom over it, and then had him fuck one of those fake pussy thingees. Or, just as he'd start to come and then I'd slide a large gauge needle through his nipple or turn up the juice on the ErosTek.

It's all about MY pleasure, you see.

Needless to say I was inspired.

So when FCB turned up the other day, I knew he hadn't had an orgasm since a week before Christmas. I figured I'd work on some heavy T&D while I figured out if I wanted to really mess him up by forcing an RO on him. First I put him in the Venus and let it suck on him while I prepared him for our shaving ritual. Once he was hooded, gagged, and I had the razor and hot water, I stroked his cock with the shaving cream, pushing and pulling it every which way so I could make sure every. single. hair. was removed from his cock, balls, and groin. He'd grunt as he neared orgasm and I'd distract my hands elsewhere until he settled down, only to bring him back up again.

Once the shaving was done, I put the straitjacket on him and moved him over to the sling, suspending him about a foot off the ground. Face down. It was a challenging position (I may need to get a different sling since I really liked the concept) made even moreso when I put the 2 lbs. stainless steel ball stretcher on his sac and pushed it and his cock through one of the slats in the sling. The NJOY plug stuffed his back end. Then I got the violet wand, attached the body contact point to me, and slid my electrified fingers lightly up and down his shaft while I teased the head with a vibrator.

He groaned some more.

I took off his hood and got the Venus again. I slid underneath the sling, facing him, put the receiver between my knees and raised it until his cock slid inside. Then I turned on the machine, letting it suck. I loved watching his face while this was going on.

The position proved to be a little too strenuous for him after a while, so I took him down, turned him over and removed the SJ. I pulled out several of the nylon snap straps (a recent fave) and tightened them around his entire body, striping him with the black bands until he was utterly immobilized. Out came the vibrator one more time. I brought him to the brink once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. By the fifth he was begging, blubbering. A right mess. I just didn't have the heart to stick him with an RO so I kept the vibe on him as he shot, catching the three weeks' worth of jizz in my gloved hand.

As his shuddering subsided, I fed it to him.

What Gets Me Excited

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