A Definition

"It seems to me that S&M is about two things: being brave enough to play with power and realize it's moveable and malleable, and also the deire to be overwhelmed and to be overwhelming. Which is no different than any other kind of sex if it's any good."

-Maggie Gyllenhaal, 2002 as quoted in "Nerve: The First Ten Years"

NIN of the Above

Talk about Domme cred. My friend The Headliner invited me to the Nine Inch Nails concert Wednesday night (Aug 27) at the Izod Center (uh, the Meadowlands Arena). Me in my leather tank top, Armani jacket, pencil skirt, and sky high shoes. Early to arrive, we scored a prime spot near the front of the stage, next to the mosh pit.

I love standing among the front row faithfuls, who mouth every word, every chord on their air guitar. Last time I was in this same arena it was for opening night of Springsteen's reunion tour with the E Street Band (1998? 99?) and I was overwhelmed, frightened even, by the torrent of raised white fists pumping Born! in the! US!A! Ten years later and I'm getting hit with the sweat from these these thrashing, snarling, muscle boys, bouncing their bodies off each other like repelling magnets and I'm not a bit afraid. In fact, I'm desperate to crash into them, feel that punch and ache and sweat and hold my own among the big dogs ... then I look down at my open toes.

In these shoes? I don't think so.

Proof I haven't been a dominatrix all my life? Years ago I stood next to Trent during a Mardi Gras parade and hollered for beads from the passing floats. Nine Inch Nails. Rockstar god. Uh huh. I know. But also short, pale, thin, and obviously shy. Whatever, dude. Excuse me.

"Hey! Throw me something, mister!!!"

At the concert though, I drank the Smirnoff Ice and became a believer. On stage he was none of those things I saw on that St. Charles Ave. balcony. He's buff, gorgeously lit, and clearly knows his angles. Swoon, I did.

Listening to the verses swirling around me, echoed by the crowd, I fantasized about being the kind of dominant Trent is singing about. Or to. Even the kind of Domme that has a session playlist full of NIN. I imagined myself the cold, strict bitch to whom he'd scream, "I'd rather die than give you control!" and then I'd take it from him anyway, fuck him like an animal. He'd find happiness in slavery to me.

Etc.

But, you know, I'm not that bitch. God knows I wanna be sometimes. Every time a client I adore tells me some fantasy he has about being at the mercy of a cruel, capricious woman, I wanna be that for him. Be that for ME, even. A few of the dominas I admire most are of that classic "dominatrix" style. They've got that steel allure. Mystery. They're calculating and sadistic. Yet their play is still connected and genuine and intense. I admire and envy that.

I can be strict, cold, and harsh: don't get me wrong. But when I am those things, it's not a role. I'm not playing. It means I've been pushed to a bitter, defensive place that just feels ugly to me. It's not what play or dominance means to me at all. When I'm in that punitive space, I am all too aware that my grip on my self-control is slipping. That once I start, I cannot stop myself.

When I first started domming, I struggled with what I thought a dominatrix should be like, how I thought I was expected to behave and the kind of dominant I actually was. I was the one who'd flinch and gasp sympathetically when I wrapped the flogger or caught his scrotal skin in the zipper. I was the kind that found the proud horns and drums of Nina Simone's "Feeling Good" more inspirational in session than the boom and clash of NIN's "Discipline."

Everytime I felt the push from a client or a more popular Domme in my House to be something else, I'd try it on. Soon, I felt pinch in the waist, the tightness in the sleeves of someone else's clothes. After a while, I realized I can't walk in anyone's shoes but my own.

But, uh, yeah, Trent? You like Nina Simone, too, don't you?

Call me.

Because I'm the Dominant, That's Why!

I often find myself challenging a lot of what's considered "dominant" behavior. I rarely kit up in fetish clothes (ironically, most of that 'trixy gear is so demanding to wear, I end up feeling like I'm submitting to it). I'll sit on the floor at his feet while I tell him all the tortureful things I'm going to do to him. I'll get on my knees while I'm whipping him or, even better, tying up his cock and balls (I l-o-v-e the mindfuck of kneeling in front of a man, my face inches from his cock, as I inflict pain on it. Sometimes I'll even look up at him and open my mouth suggestively, tauntingly just to make it worse.) After I've taken him out of bondage, I'll give him a nice backrub.

See, there's no question in my mind that I'm the dominant. That I'm in control. I know what it may look like, but that ain't what it IS. I revel in that contradiction. There's such space there.

I see so many Mistresses get so hemmed in by the dominatrix conventions, they think wearing pink is a subversive act. That was one of the reasons I initially swooned over Bitchy Jones: she was one of the few women I saw who intelligently asked "Why?" about a lot of these behavioral codes. (One might argue BJ's finding her position a tighter corset than she anticipated at this point, but that's another post.)

Really. Why does wearing fake patent leather six inch platform shoes make a woman dominant? If a man's fantasy is to be led around on a leash and he pays a woman to do that, why is that power exchange? Why does groveling, mewly voiced will-lessness equal submission? Why does sneering, stentorian edict throwing equal dominance?

Well, I know why. It's because that's what the porn tells us. But porn is caricature. It's fantasy. It's not real. It's like, back when I was writing professionally, my life occasionally resembled Carrie's from Sex and the City even though it wasn't until I became a professional Domme that I actually could afford a pair of Manolos. What we see isn't really what we get. Maybe there's some benefit to looking at what's actually in front of you and figuring out what about it genuinely works for you and what ultimately doesn't matter.

*****

One of my readers asked me privately recently if I noticed that I'd been getting fewer comments on my blog lately and why that might be. His theory was that perhaps folks were turned off my by my "Whence Kinky?" post and comments. He suggested that perhaps I was "too honest" and that I may have bruised a couple of imaginations with my ruminations on the provenance of my kink.

I replied that not just this blog, but my practice as a professional dominant itself is about my own pathfinding in dominance and BDSM. "I'm pretty honest about who I am and why I'm here and what I want out of this. In a way, I'm as demanding as a client," I said. "So I kinda have a 'fuck you' attitude to whomever's gonna be such a bitchy li'l prima donna about their kink identity as to get sniffy that I'm exploring mine. "

I then reminded him that is IS August. Who's around to read this stuff anyway?

Whatcha Want?

It's not at all unusual for me to ask a client, "So, what are you in the mood for today?"It's also not unusual for the client to respond, "Uh, I dunno. Whatever you'd like to do, Mistress." While I appreciate the verbal carte blanche, the thing is ... well, if there was something I was of a particular mind to do, I'd do it. I ain't askin' ya just to be polite.

Fact of the matter is, I've got a lot of stuff. There are innumerable things I am capable of doing with the gear I've got. If I may be so immodest, it's a bit of an embarrassment of riches and it's not always easy for me to just pick one. Or five. I also have a fairly active practice, so if I'm keen for a particular scene, the likelihood I have a client on my schedule who would *love* for me to do that with him is pretty high, too.

Part of why I bring this up is because I had a conversation recently with a craftsman that I'd been talking to about making something for me. I'd described for him what I was interested in and asked if he would enjoy making something like that. He said, "Troy, I have a lot of customers who commission me for all sorts of projects. If there's something I want to do, it seems the person who wants it always finds me at the right time. So I just want you to have what *you* want. If I can make the thing that will make you happy, I will be happy."

It was a revelatory moment for me, because he was able to articulate what I'd been feeling about the "whatever you want, Mistress" clients in my practice. I don't think of my asking you what you want as being "service Domme-y" or indecisive: quite the contrary, actually. I'm giving you a say, which to me means that it's mine to determine in the first place. And, mind you, just because you say, "Oh, I was really hoping you'd ____ and then stick ___ in my ____ and then ___ like ____ and then tie my ____ down and grab your ____ and ____" that I'm going to follow your script. Really, it's more that you just point me in a direction and I drive the car til we get where we're gonna go.

Does it feel like you're "in control" (snicker) when a Mistress -- or I -- ask what you'd like to do? Do you have particular cravings for certain kinds of play or is it simply the escape/surrender/submissive feeling you seek? Is it more a pleasure to take that Nestea Plunge and see what happens? Tell me.

Training Days: Some Background

Because I'm loathe to join Sugasm just to heighten my post count and I really do want to give y'all more stuff to read and respond to (I *LOVE* my commenters!!!!), I've decided to start reposting some of my more defining contributions to The Hang at Max Fisch for further reflection and discussion (esp. since there are quite a few of you who never set foot in the place ... not that I blame you). If you're familiar with my writing over there and there's a particular post of mine that stands out for you, please send me a link so I can consider republishing it here.

******

Someone on Max had asked about why there didn't seem to be many independent Dommes training newer Dommes these days. Initially I replied that that was exactly how I came up in the Pro scene, thanks to the time, generosity, and effort of several of the country's well-respected and established professional Dominas. I continue to be influenced by many of them in my practice and still will still seek out their feedback and advice. While the OP seemed to believe that sort of thing no longer goes on, I'm pleased to say that I know several young Dommes who have found mentors and educators from senior members of our professional community. Some folks simply don't need to advertise the fact.

A few posters took issue with the idea that up and coming Dommes needed to be trained by Indies in order to learn anything, that the larger BDSM community was more than capable of teaching them the necessary skills via various public workshops, retreats, and conferences.

This was my reply.

While I have attended a few lifestyle events (Black Rose, Shibaricon (2x)) and workshops (various DSF/TES programs, seminars at Purple Passion, Midori's rope dojo) and I've also done some private consultations with scene pros such as Delano, Scott Smith, Max of Seattle, and others, what I learned there was practically a different universe than what I gained from my apprenticeship and mentoring relationships with active, independent NYC Dommes.

When Domina M started Luxuria, one of the smartest things she did, in my opinion, was to bring in some of the city's most successful and reputable professional female Dominas with proven skills and experience to teach her apprentices. This did a couple of things:

First, we got to see how this stuff really worked in a pro scene, often practicing on active clients (not video hos or houseboys but men who actually pay for sessions with professional Mistresses on a regular basis.). Because I trained mostly on clients, I learned how to play with clients. Men who can't take marks. Who don't have 'leather ass.' Who aren't young or bendy or just willing to endure anything cause they're just so damn happy to have pretty women paying attention to them. I learned how to talk with, negotiate, and understand men who have professional relationships with ProDommes (as opposed to, say, house slaves and personals who have a very different connection to Mistresses). I learned to respect these men who seek our services: what their needs are, what's important to them, what makes them come back. It was market research as much as it was skill development. I can't thank those men enough for their invaluable feedback.

TES and Shibaricon are great and I've learned a lot in those workshops, but I also get super frustrated trying to translate how to do that tie or re-rig that predicament to work for a male bottom because easily 70% of the lifestyle event presenters are male Tops and/or like their demo subs with boobies, limber bodies, long hair and who can also take marks.

Those aren't the people that support my business.

Having those experienced women train us also meant that they had somewhat of an interest in our success. I hope that it makes those women as proud for me to say that they mentored me as it makes me proud to be able to thank them for their support and everything they taught me.

On the other hand, I've taken at least three classes from Midori, including her weekend Dojo intensive: I don't think she'll be posting on any message boards or blogs, "Yeah, Troy *rocks*! Huzzah!" Midori's also not ever going to make as much money for me as I've made for her raving about the Dojo. On the other hand, I share clients with pretty much all of the women who mentored me because we all refer our clients to each other. Domme referrals are a significant part of my business.

I am very happy to do what I can to support and mentor the women in this community who show a sincere interest in developing their business and their skills as a professional Mistress -- just as the women who helped me did so generously and graciously. This is our community, our union even. We work really hard at an incredibly challenging and demanding job. The more we help each other, the more we ALL benefit.

I think the people who think of it as Dommes "training their competition" kinda miss the point. The competitive atmosphere that exists both within the Domme community and as imposed on it by clients is ... well, useless, really. "She the best _____ in the scene today!" Really? What does that mean? For whom?

The "best" Domme is simply the one that's best FOR YOU. Period. She might not be able to tie a shoelace, but if she makes your little sub heart go potato-potato and all your kinky fantasies come true, then she is gonna be The Best Domme as far as you're concerned. As long as I'm managing my business correctly, I should never have to worry about "competition." If my client finds someone else who fulfills his needs better: Mazel Tov! The clients who are right for me will find me when they're the right client for me. When they stop being the right client for me, I'll refer them to my colleagues who I think might be right for them.

Having been mentored by my fellow professional Dominas also means I learned a lot about the ins and outs of the business. Lifestyle players can teach me how to play lifestyle, scene educators can teach me about lots of different aspects of play, from how to negotiate a scene to skill sets to aftercare, but the best advice on how to be a ProDomme is going to come from other ProDommes in my market who are serving my client pool. They're gonna teach me about when to watch a clock and when not to. When to negotiate my Tribute, how, and with whom. How to balance my income and expenses and asset management. How to take care of my taxes and savings. How to assess the cost of a scene, both emotionally/psychologically as well as financially. Some of them are even going to, by example, show me what NOT to do.

Fact is, I've got a pretty great business. I've 4 1/2 years as a ProDomme, 3 1/2 as an Independent. I have my own space, a mess o' gear and high quality equipment, my finances are in order, I'm growing my savings, and I have zero debt. I may not be The. Best. Domme. Anywhere. Ever. but I'm here and I'm doin' alright for myself. And that's because not only did I have the desire to learn and succeed, but I had the support of many incredible, generous, talented professional Independent Dominas, including:

Domina M, Mistress Wynter, HarleQuinn, Mistress Yin, Suzanne SxySadist, Mistress Avalon, Mistress Ariana Chevalier, Cassandra DeVille, Mistress Morgana, Simone Kross, and Amanda Wildefyre.

Ladies, I thank you.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

In my last post, I talked about how clients are often concerned that I play too heavy/hard for them. That I will give them more pain than they can handle. That I'm too sadistic.

That's not what you need to worry about.

What you need to prepare yourself for is that I will definitely get inside your head and quite possibly a vital organ slightly further south, if you're not careful. It's super intense. It's super challenging. And as long as you keep your wits about you -- as I do -- it can be a really amazing, rewarding experience.

(Un)Necessary Roughness: Too Hard or Too Soft?

(I meant to continue yesterday's post with some thoughts about my clients and heavy play but I couldn't quite seem to make the transitions work. Still can't. So. Uh. Zoom Zoom.)

Sometimes I get prospective clients who contact me fretting that, based on my MF Reviews or scene descriptions they've read on my blog, that I might play too heavy for them or might not enjoy playing with them because they can't take pain or marks or something.

Part of me, the less generous part, thinks this is just penis talk. "Ohh, you're so fierce, Mistress! I don't know if I can handle it! Wh-wh-what are you going to DO to me?!" Because, really, my Reviews rarely cover details and I would think any reasonable person would realize that the scenes I write about here are chosen for their intensity, creativity, and newsworthiness.

The other part of me gets it. No matter how experienced you are (and in some cases the more experienced you are the harder it is cause, well, you know what's out there), contacting a Mistress for the first time is scary. It's such a vulnerable introduction. And while I've never really been on the client end of the business, there've been a couple of occasions when I've had to make a blind introduction to a Mistress I admire and ... whew. Intimidating! There's this fear that you're not going to be good enough, or bothersome, or whatever. And I know I don't make it easy for you guys either cause I write all the time about how the bar's set pretty high as far as my expectations of the clients I choose to play with.

What's really interesting to me, though, are the guys who want to see me because they think I'm such a heavy player and then they get in my studio and suddenly it all seems too easy. I hope some of this is just a matter of intention: I think there are things that I do that, by another Domme would be far beyond what you could handle but because I try to create such an atmosphere of surrender what you thought was impossible is not only possible but in fact happening and it's pretty great.

Truth is, I'm kind of a softie. Forcing just isn't my style. I can take a beatdown, and I'm pretty strong, too, but I'm not going to physically overpower most men without their consent. And when it comes to corporal, the brutal sadism thing doesn't really work for me either. I can satisfy a masochist, for sure, but like, one guy said of me in a MF Review:

While I've been whipped harder (I'm sure she could do hard as well), but the mental state she got me into while whipping my ass and back was as close to a state of transcendental meditation as I had ever experienced. It's one of the few times I know I was deep into sub space.

Some of my clients will tell me, "Oh, I wish I could take more for you, be marked, so that you wouldn't have to hold back." Thing is, I like holding back. I love the self-restraint, the self-discipline. I especially love being able to get you to that place you wanna go and not leaving a mark on ya. Gawd, that's just so hot to me. It takes such skill to do that. Brutality? Feh. I'm a ballerina.

Whence "Kinky"?

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Why Haven't You Gone to a ProDomme? Why You Should.

Unspeakable Axe, a very classy fellow, wrote a provocative blog recently about why he doesn't session with professional dominatrices (yet). While some of his points (no intercourse! it's a budget killer!) are reasonable, I found some of it inconsistent with my experiences and perspective.

So consider this my response rap: Why You Should See A (This) Prodomme.

Because you'll be wanted.
With few exceptions, I don't accept a session with a client I'm not attracted to in some way, be it because he's super smart, super hot, super experienced, super witty, super intriguing, or just has a really big, juicy, gorgeous vocabulary. If you've got any of that going on AND you like to get tied up, tethered down, wrapped around, or used as target practice, I want you. If you can make me laugh for real over a plate of sheep's milk ricotta gnudi and a badass Amarone, then I want you even more.

I don't want you cause you're paying me. Your money doesn't make you desirable. Your desire for what I have to offer you makes you desirable. I want you because you went through the process of finding me, learning all you could about me, and concluding that I was the only one you wanted to have this experience with for reasons you know specifically (and you share them truthfully with me).

Granted, there's no sex on the menu but I have been known to give generous hugs to my clients, to hold them in my arms, to share emotional, personal stories. It's not a sexual intimacy, but it's quite profound, unique, and special nonetheless. Because of my play style, it's probably more than fair to say that my clients don't really feel like clients but more like men in a play-driven relationship with a dominant woman. Which is also what I want from them.

You would please me by playing with me
I love to play and I feed even more on your desire to play with me. It nourishes me. It inspires me. It makes me even hungrier. I can never get enough of the play I love to do, especially with the people who make this so much fun for me. It is really rare that I'm not in the mood to play with a client. (Ironically, I can be less motivated to play in my personal relationships. Pro-play focuses me, whereas at home I'm prone to distraction and laziness.)

What few clients seem to understand is that the scene starts for me when you tell me you'd like to see me and then make your appointment. I start thinking about playing with you, what I'm going to do to you, what I want to create for you. And all in the context of, driven by what I'm craving or needing or feeling at that moment. Call me a service Top, if you must (be reductive and label-y) but a great deal of my pleasure is in thinking about you specifically and what's going to blow you away.

It irritates me when clients say, "whatever pleases you, Mistress" because that doesn't give me anything to work with. There's no friction there. Tell me what YOU WANT, what pleases YOU because from there I can decide whether to grant or to deny. To give abundantly or stintingly. To deliver with conditions or generosity.

Or to just twist it all around every possible way so that you are once again reminded to be careful what you ask for.

THAT. That is how you please me.

Because you understand the price of quality
If you've shopped the bargains and found the craftsmanship lacking. If you have a clear idea in your mind of what you want to experience -- and what you don't want. If you've done your research and believe I'm the one who might be able to give you what you seek. Just do it. You do it for other material luxuries that give you pleasure: the leather interior, the welcome cocktail, the double stitched cuffs, the touchable gadget, the decades of barrel aging, the titanium frame.

Or maybe you've never been able to afford to indulge yourself. Maybe you just have a hard time wrapping your head around paying that kind of money for an experience that you probably can't show off to your friends.

But the thing is: You will know. This is the experience you've craved and sought your whole life and you're going to get a memory out of it that will last you just as long. And it will be yours. All yours. To be fondled in your dreams, relived over and over again. And it will be worth it. I promise you.

It All Began with Popcorn

During my recent trip to the Southern Virginia town I grew up in, I ended up spending the night at the home of myveryfirstboyfriend (and his wife and twin sons). I had a very early flight and he lives close to the airport. We munched on fine North Carolina barbecue and the boys showed me their video games and tick bites. The wife put the kids to bed and excused herself as well, saying she was exhausted after two nights of partying.

So it was just me and Adam, sitting on the porch. He was sipping some vodka concoction, I cradled a cup of chamomile tea.

One of the things I've loved about our relationship is that, well, we still have one. We don't talk every day, but we IM here and there to keep up on the important stuff. We still have a love for each other and even though he did grow up to be a Republican computer geek, we still have lots of stuff in common. Including kink.

Except when we were kids, we didn't call it kinky. We were just teenagers having our first kiss at a screening of "The Breakfast Club" (with my cousin as chaperone). I wanted to eat my popcorn but I didn't want to stop kissing him. So I put the popcorn in my mouth and pushed it into his with my tongue. I asked if he wanted a drink and I whistled my Coke into his mouth, too.

Once we started having sex, I wasn't tying him up. I just couldn't wait until he was completely out of his clothes before jumping on him, his pants pooled around his ankles, his arms caught in his shirt sleeves. He'd come in my mouth and I'd spit it back in his not to humiliate him but so he could taste what I tasted.

"You sucked my big toe one time," he told me on the porch.

"No WAY!" I protested. "Really?" And then I remembered just loving him so much then the way you can only really do when you're a teenager and just wanting to devour every bit of him all the time. Even his toes.

"Yeah, and you used to give me ice cube blow jobs and bite my nipples with ice in your mouth, too."

*****

People ask me all the time if I could have a vanilla relationship and I always say, "Of course." This is why. Because a "vanilla" relationship looks pretty much like a "kink" one to me. I mean, as long as the root of whatever we're doing is love and desire for each other, what's the difference if I'm taking him with a strap-on or wrapping my legs around him in missionary or keeping him in a chastity cage for a week or drenching his back with butterfly kisses? It's all part of the continuum of mature intimacy, no?

If I hadn't become a professional dominant, I probably wouldn't have ever graduated to putting my lover in thousands of dollars worth of bondage gear. Or sticking steel rods down his urethra. Or electrocuting his balls. Instead maybe we'd have one of those "fun drawers" next to the bed with stuff like wrist/ankle restraints, a paddle, a few vibrators/dildos, a blindfold.

But I am a Prodom. Now, I've got the gear, the space, the inclination, and the education. So my sex life's gotten a little more elaborate. Some times.

******

Back on the porch, Adam tells me he's getting more and more into chastity and cuckolding. His wife is slowly coming around to accommodating his desires (her "partying" was a continuation of a recent seduction of a 26 year old guy from the neighborhood that Adam is achingly excited by). I asked him if he thought his cuckold interest was a sublimation of his bisexuality. (Uh, yeah. That was a surprise.) He thought no. "If I want to suck cock, I do," he said.

Turns out, I might be responsible for his cuckolding thing too. My next boyfriend after Adam was, shall we say, a little close to home. (Hey, it was a small town and I was a busy teen. I just grabbed what was handy.)

******

I know a lot of Dommes who like to play the "kinkier than thou" game. "Oh, I've been beating up boys since preschool!" I can look back and find plenty of examples of me being "dominant" or "sexually aggressive" or "freaky" or "kinky" .... but at the time, I wasn't putting labels on my behavior. I mean, I remember playing "Atom Smashers" in Kindergarten. This was a game where I'd order the boys to sit with their legs spread on the floor and then try to mash their penises between colored PlaySkool blocks (the red rectangle and yellow triangle were particularly effective, as I recall). I just never thought of this behavior as anything other than precocious until I became a Domme and was trying to figure out where all this was coming from "out of nowhere" at age 33.

I guess my point is that in some ways, I have no idea where this all started or why. It's not like I can point to some seminal moment, such as hiding under a desk and seeing my teacher's shoes and stockings and being excited. But, like, talking to Adam it's clear that my "kink," if that's what you want to call it, has always been with me. Maybe it's nice to have a label for it now. "Oh, okay. I'm 'kinky.'" But, ya know, ironically enough, even saying I'm "outside the norm" just feels kinda limiting.

French Brazillian

There's a thread on Max Fisch right now about people with ethnic fetishes. MVX and I were talking about how there are lots of women at Houses who're advertised as being a particular ethnic flava of the month. Clients will call asking for a particular type and the answer's always, "Sure, we've got that!" Whatever it takes to get him in the door. So, that hot Central Asian Mistress of your dreams? She's actually Central American with artfully made up eyes. The spicy Latina with the generous hips? More like a Black Ivy Leaguer from the Bronx. It reminds me how much "domination" is really all about the fantasy for some people.

When I started at Luxuria, our receptionist, who'd previously answered phones for a prominent outcall escort service, said that callers were asking about my "nationality" and she wondered what she should say.

"Tell them I'm an American," I said, rolling my eyes. I sighed. "I dunno, baby. As long as you don't tell them I'm an 'Ebony Mistress' I don't care. Can't you just say I'm smart and attractive and really kinky. Isn't that enough?"

But that's not how it works ... at least not for typical House clientèle. So we decided I'd be "French-Brazilian" because, as the receptionist pointed out, it positions me as both "classy" and "sexy" according to the stereotypes. (Why is there no eye rolling emoticon in Blogger?) One of the many reasons I'm happy not to be a House Domme anymore.

For the record, I'm not French. Or Brazilian.

But I love French food and French wine. And lately I've noticed in session that I tend to talk to myself, and sometimes my clients, in bits of Spanish, though that's not quite Portuguese, it's sorta close. About as close as I am ethnically to Brazilian.

Real life, I find, is so much more compelling than fantasy.

Eighties Baby

He wasn't a total novice. He'd sessioned three times before coming to me, each time with a different Mistress for no longer than two hours. He lives at least a two hour train ride away. Said he really wanted to explore heavy bondage and abandonment. Asked if he could be considered for the Orleans Experience.

Oh, and he's 23.

I've played with a handful of clients under 30. Youngest guy I ever saw was maybe 21. Blew me away (though he was a professional athlete so that kinda skewed his maturity level (not to mention disposable income).

In my experience, 20-something players are either absolutely amazing or they totally suck. No gray areas with them. When they're great, it's because they are so enthusiastic, open minded, curious, and remarkably unconflicted about their kink (not to mention, they're typically single, out or both so marks are rarely a problem) that playing with them is energizing and a joy. When they suck it's because they're arrogant, conceited, pillow biting, little "do me" babies with no respect for anyone's needs other than their own.

Fortunately this 23 year old belongs in the former category.

Still, when I play with the young ones (though this applies to novices of any age as well), I always feel a little guilty. Like a corrupter.

I had this one strapped down to the bondage table at the start of the scene. Corset collar. Fist mitts. Leather waist cincher. His legs hoisted high. I was fixin' to shave his lush thatch of pubic hair bare. Then I leaned over and caressed his face, looked deeply into his trusting eyes and said, "Oh, honey. I am going to make you kinkier than you ever could imagine."

In his feedback email, the first line reads: "I made a colossal mistake with the chastity cage. I really want it on right now. Without it, I feel like I've left the house without my wallet or watch."

See?

You know, I ... I .... it's like, on the one hand, "My god, what have I done!?! He's 23! He should be drinking beer and passing out atop lush co-eds, not craving the grip of a chastity cage!"

On the other hand (and both feet), I couldn't be more thrilled. Gosh, you shoulda seen my grin when I read his email. While I write this and think about our experience. It's incredibly rewarding for me to know that not only have I given them a great session, but that I've been able to take them down paths they perhaps never even knew existed and have them find the foreign landscape not only beautiful, but a place they want to visit again and again.

And that's so scary -- like, the responsibility of that -- but it's so real, too.

Fantasy and Asshattery

Many of you know I participate -- with diminishing pleasure -- on the MaxFisch discussion board. In fact, I hadn't been posting here so much last week because I was busy tending to a very interesting discussion of the role of fantasy in a professional session. There were some rather thoughtful responses to my initial inquiry, particularly from knightwish, MVX, whizzer, and felicia. Worth reading it all, actually.

However, I also found myself in a bit of a heated exchange with another poster on a different thread. After I'd made a particularly snide reply to a poster who was positing that more professional dominatrices "should try nudity in their sessions" because it's so "empowering," I received a private message from an observer tsk tsking me for "losing my cool." This wasn't the first time I've been privately chastised by male participants for being aggressive? scornful? unladylike? on that board.

This is my blog, so I will vent here with snide, scornful, aggressive unladylikeness: Whatthefuck?!?

I am no goddess on a pedestal. I'm a woman. A grown ass woman, even. As a professional service provider dealing with a very specific public, I moderate my reactions constantly despite being frequently presented with statements or inquiries I find deeply offensive. So when I hit that tipping point, I fully reserve the right to call someone an asshat. I am not showing a lack of control when I do so, believe me. My reaction could have been much stronger.

It's really just stunning to me how often men presume to tell me how I should behave, especially when they have no personal relationship with me whatsoever.

Good to Know: Gags and Blindfolds by SxySadist

My dear friend and comrade in kink Suzanne SxySadist had a great blog post yesterday about blindfolds and gags. It's the February 22, 2008 entry here: http://blog.myspace.com/suzanne_sxysadist

It's really great timing in part because the issue of basic safety measures and "SM-101" type lessons has been forward in my mind of late. It just seems at times that in the rush to find the next edge or declare ourselves "the best" at some particular area of play, that many of us end up taking the basics for granted, if not overlooking them entirely.

For example, Suzanne jokes in her blog about the Collar Me types who claim themselves "experts" at gags, as if stuffing something in someone's mouth could be done more masterfully by an expert than a novice. As she talks about it, though, it's clear that there are things to understand about gags that aren't immediately obvious.

I've always had a competitive streak and a generously sized ego and when it comes to dungeon skills I can get pretty snobby about my shit. But then I think about my yoga practice and how there's room for refinement in every pose. I look at Suzanne, someone who has earned the right to be really snobby yet still attends as many workshops as she teaches (if not more). There are a lot of really talented Dominas in my social circle that make me realize the snobby thing is really immature and short-sighted.

We ALL have things to learn.

This is the Life Style, in Two Parts

A young woman in Virginia who's training to be a dominatrix blind-emailed me the other day asking for my advice on acquiring certain skill sets. She said she wanted to cultivate her "Bitch Goddess persona" and I replied that "personas" aren't really a part of my play dynamic. "My focus is on bondage, corporal, and edge play in a vanilla/kink integrated environment," I explained.

It was a reactive response but it's kinda sticking with me a little bit as I contemplate its truth.

I did an overnight session recently. I wired and plugged him with a combination of remote controlled devices and then escorted him to dinner (at Craft, home of my favorite gnocchi, plus a yummy 2000 Carema Riserva which I can't seem to find retail. Sorry. Food makes me digress. Where was I?)

Oh. Yes. Man. Devices. Dinner.

I'm dominating at the dinner table. I know what I like, what I want. I know how to work a menu, know enough about wine to make informed choices. It's a comfortable milieu for me and I just naturally take charge, so much so the waiter stops addressing him entirely. Add a few well timed flicks of the remote and ... it's a scene in itself.

After dinner we returned to the studio and played for a few hours before I slid his cock into the CB-3000 with points of intrigue, slipped him into the sleep sack, and locked him in the cage for the night. In the morning, I repeated myself yet again (I'm just loving the chair/plug combo. What can I say?) this time putting him in my Fetters straitjacket before plugging and strapping him to the wide chair. I made breakfast: eggs over easy for him, scrambled for me, artisanal BMOC bacon, cider muffins from Craft, coffee, OJ. Then I fed him.

I loved the perversion of the classic 'morning after' scenario kinked waaaaaay out. It's a recurring theme in my scenes. It's what drives my Orleans Experience: the idea that "everything seems so natural, so normal ... until you find yourself bound with your knees in your ears." There's no artifice. No roleplay. No struggling to suspend disbelief.

It's just life, styled with kink.

*****
Part II
*****
A scene acquaintance and former client sent me an email that said, in part, "I get the impression that it's moving more into lifestyle with ___? If so, congratulations!"

In my reply, I bristled, "Why would moving to a 'lifestyle' scenario merit applause? Is there a hierarchy where 'lifestyle' relationships are somehow more valuable than professional ones?" I've witnessed more dysfunction and disillusionment -- on both sides of the whip -- come from "lifestyle" relationships (particularly between lifestyle ProDommes and clients-turned-'personal slaves') than I ever have between professional Dominas and their clients. While I can get behind the argument that in a lifestyle relationship, the rewards are well worth the pain, my experience is that a professional relationship can not only be healthier but also just as meaningful and fulfilling.

Most of the women that I choose to associate closely with professionally manage their practice in a way that transcends the commercial professional session. We don't call it lifestyle, per se. More like a "lifestyle experience."We don't hide behind scene personas or maintain some impenetrable wall between ourselves and our clients. We share meals with them. Attend events (opera, ballet, movies). I've ridden bikes with my clients, had picnics, gone to concerts and plays as part of our (professional) relationship.

What I love about experiences like these is that it adds a level of dimension to our play that strengthens our trust and our connection. I don't leave my personality, my essential self, including my imperfections, behind so that I can be a fantasy provider. If a man wants to be my client, I ask him to bring me his whole self. Why should he not expect the same from me?

It's a pretty remarkable, 'congratulations'-meriting thing to have a fulfilling, meaningful professional relationship that works, in my opinion. Just because these activities happen in the context of a professional session doesn't make them any less valid or personal. A lot of it is about intention. When a client gives me Tribute, he should not ever feel he's paying me to spend time with him. You can't buy that from me. His Tribute, as I see it, is simply why it's possible for me to choose who I spend my time with, what I decide to do with him, and where and how.

Do I play personally/non-professionally/"lifestyle"? Of course I do. But I don't think of those relationships as any better, purer, or more authentic than what I do with my clients. At the same time, my clients relish having a multi-dimensional relationship with me that transcends the typical professional session yet respects their boundaries, needs, and expectations.

To us, I say a heartfelt "Congratulations!"