Training Days: Some Background

Because I'm loathe to join Sugasm just to heighten my post count and I really do want to give y'all more stuff to read and respond to (I *LOVE* my commenters!!!!), I've decided to start reposting some of my more defining contributions to The Hang at Max Fisch for further reflection and discussion (esp. since there are quite a few of you who never set foot in the place ... not that I blame you). If you're familiar with my writing over there and there's a particular post of mine that stands out for you, please send me a link so I can consider republishing it here.

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Someone on Max had asked about why there didn't seem to be many independent Dommes training newer Dommes these days. Initially I replied that that was exactly how I came up in the Pro scene, thanks to the time, generosity, and effort of several of the country's well-respected and established professional Dominas. I continue to be influenced by many of them in my practice and still will still seek out their feedback and advice. While the OP seemed to believe that sort of thing no longer goes on, I'm pleased to say that I know several young Dommes who have found mentors and educators from senior members of our professional community. Some folks simply don't need to advertise the fact.

A few posters took issue with the idea that up and coming Dommes needed to be trained by Indies in order to learn anything, that the larger BDSM community was more than capable of teaching them the necessary skills via various public workshops, retreats, and conferences.

This was my reply.

While I have attended a few lifestyle events (Black Rose, Shibaricon (2x)) and workshops (various DSF/TES programs, seminars at Purple Passion, Midori's rope dojo) and I've also done some private consultations with scene pros such as Delano, Scott Smith, Max of Seattle, and others, what I learned there was practically a different universe than what I gained from my apprenticeship and mentoring relationships with active, independent NYC Dommes.

When Domina M started Luxuria, one of the smartest things she did, in my opinion, was to bring in some of the city's most successful and reputable professional female Dominas with proven skills and experience to teach her apprentices. This did a couple of things:

First, we got to see how this stuff really worked in a pro scene, often practicing on active clients (not video hos or houseboys but men who actually pay for sessions with professional Mistresses on a regular basis.). Because I trained mostly on clients, I learned how to play with clients. Men who can't take marks. Who don't have 'leather ass.' Who aren't young or bendy or just willing to endure anything cause they're just so damn happy to have pretty women paying attention to them. I learned how to talk with, negotiate, and understand men who have professional relationships with ProDommes (as opposed to, say, house slaves and personals who have a very different connection to Mistresses). I learned to respect these men who seek our services: what their needs are, what's important to them, what makes them come back. It was market research as much as it was skill development. I can't thank those men enough for their invaluable feedback.

TES and Shibaricon are great and I've learned a lot in those workshops, but I also get super frustrated trying to translate how to do that tie or re-rig that predicament to work for a male bottom because easily 70% of the lifestyle event presenters are male Tops and/or like their demo subs with boobies, limber bodies, long hair and who can also take marks.

Those aren't the people that support my business.

Having those experienced women train us also meant that they had somewhat of an interest in our success. I hope that it makes those women as proud for me to say that they mentored me as it makes me proud to be able to thank them for their support and everything they taught me.

On the other hand, I've taken at least three classes from Midori, including her weekend Dojo intensive: I don't think she'll be posting on any message boards or blogs, "Yeah, Troy *rocks*! Huzzah!" Midori's also not ever going to make as much money for me as I've made for her raving about the Dojo. On the other hand, I share clients with pretty much all of the women who mentored me because we all refer our clients to each other. Domme referrals are a significant part of my business.

I am very happy to do what I can to support and mentor the women in this community who show a sincere interest in developing their business and their skills as a professional Mistress -- just as the women who helped me did so generously and graciously. This is our community, our union even. We work really hard at an incredibly challenging and demanding job. The more we help each other, the more we ALL benefit.

I think the people who think of it as Dommes "training their competition" kinda miss the point. The competitive atmosphere that exists both within the Domme community and as imposed on it by clients is ... well, useless, really. "She the best _____ in the scene today!" Really? What does that mean? For whom?

The "best" Domme is simply the one that's best FOR YOU. Period. She might not be able to tie a shoelace, but if she makes your little sub heart go potato-potato and all your kinky fantasies come true, then she is gonna be The Best Domme as far as you're concerned. As long as I'm managing my business correctly, I should never have to worry about "competition." If my client finds someone else who fulfills his needs better: Mazel Tov! The clients who are right for me will find me when they're the right client for me. When they stop being the right client for me, I'll refer them to my colleagues who I think might be right for them.

Having been mentored by my fellow professional Dominas also means I learned a lot about the ins and outs of the business. Lifestyle players can teach me how to play lifestyle, scene educators can teach me about lots of different aspects of play, from how to negotiate a scene to skill sets to aftercare, but the best advice on how to be a ProDomme is going to come from other ProDommes in my market who are serving my client pool. They're gonna teach me about when to watch a clock and when not to. When to negotiate my Tribute, how, and with whom. How to balance my income and expenses and asset management. How to take care of my taxes and savings. How to assess the cost of a scene, both emotionally/psychologically as well as financially. Some of them are even going to, by example, show me what NOT to do.

Fact is, I've got a pretty great business. I've 4 1/2 years as a ProDomme, 3 1/2 as an Independent. I have my own space, a mess o' gear and high quality equipment, my finances are in order, I'm growing my savings, and I have zero debt. I may not be The. Best. Domme. Anywhere. Ever. but I'm here and I'm doin' alright for myself. And that's because not only did I have the desire to learn and succeed, but I had the support of many incredible, generous, talented professional Independent Dominas, including:

Domina M, Mistress Wynter, HarleQuinn, Mistress Yin, Suzanne SxySadist, Mistress Avalon, Mistress Ariana Chevalier, Cassandra DeVille, Mistress Morgana, Simone Kross, and Amanda Wildefyre.

Ladies, I thank you.

Leather

I was strolling from the chiropractor's near the Museum of Natural History, down to Magnolia Bakery's UWS outpost and stopped by Housing Works just to see what kind of stuff they had. A few weeks ago, I'd browsed the wares at the Chelsea store and marveled at how many leather skirts were on sale there. The UWS version was cluttered not only with leather skirts, but an actual bullwhip!

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My friend was at my studio the other day and found herself face deep in my Fetters whipping bench. She later wrote me: " I <3 your spanking bench -- it is soooo soft." It is. John of Fetters picked out the leather specifically for me. It's an incredible lot. Plus, when your face goes in the cradle you're just engulfed in the smell of leather. So sensual.

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I've been wearing leather a lot lately. Those few of you who turned up at the most recent Cat O' Nine might have seen me in my leather tank top and ... hot pants!

But not just for fetish parties!

My favorite ensemble of late is a leather miniskirt with a center front zip and corset lacing in the back and either a leather top or one of my signature boy beater Tees. I've also been wearing my leather dresses and corsets (though that's really more medical than anything). Quite fun.

How I Spent My Week

If you've been wondering why you haven't gotten a reply to your email, well, I've been kinda busy.

Eighties Baby was back for a Basic Lockdown Overnight. We did a few setups, beginning with a straitjacket/leg sack sling spring suspension (that I forgot to get my camera out for). I stored him for the night in my MaxCITA suspendable, canvas Psycho Sleepsack. The straps were pulled tight, an external catheter was applied with the tubing fed through his CB-3000 with large points of intrigue. Ratchet straps kept him from squirming.



He was keen to try out my sensory deprivation hood, so in the morning, I let him spend some time in it while I sipped my morning tea.



The Collector came in for a round of masochism and leather bondage. First the bondage. His own custom ordered "SciFi Hood" and leather arm sleeves, plus a Stormy Leather corset. I tethered him to the suspension rig and did a lovely round of floggers and single tails on his back and ass.



Then it was over to the bondage bed for a shocking time below the waist and a stinging time above. The whip I'm using is my favorite of the Collector's: a short handled cat with several waxed string tails, each knotted in several places. It's vicious. As you can see here. (It's hard holding a camera and trying to aim, I tell ya!)

Next up was a client from the Midwest in town for the All-Star Game. If he were a masochist, I'd make a joke about being the lead off hitter. But he wanted bondage.


On Tuesday, one of my clients returned after spending five days in at-will chastity. This was a bit of an experiment for me as I've been considering taking chastity play off my menu as a scene offering after a recent experience. Fortunately, this client was able to remind me of why extended chastity play is fun.

Next was a new client, a bondage Houdini who found escape from my back binder combined with my Scott Paul spreader bar and cuffs hogtie combo an impossible dream. It didn't help? hurt? that I added the cruel condom to the mix. (Oh, I guess that would hurt.)

MB popped in for what I like to call a "drive by." Normally, we tend to do only OEs or overnights when we play, but this time we had only a couple of hours. So I strapped him down, shaved his genitals, and then commenced with the metal penetrations.




My next client arrived for his ONE (OverNight Experience)wearing a rakish cap and a charming smile. Eventually, he ended up quite helpless.



My next OE was a new client who'd told me he'd been feeling jaded about his pro sessions recently. I was game to refresh those feelings with lots of rope, an ass hook, and, later, a remote controlled vibrator under my control during dinner. I don't think he's all that jaded anymore.



And you know what's really great?! There's more to come!

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

In my last post, I talked about how clients are often concerned that I play too heavy/hard for them. That I will give them more pain than they can handle. That I'm too sadistic.

That's not what you need to worry about.

What you need to prepare yourself for is that I will definitely get inside your head and quite possibly a vital organ slightly further south, if you're not careful. It's super intense. It's super challenging. And as long as you keep your wits about you -- as I do -- it can be a really amazing, rewarding experience.

(Un)Necessary Roughness: Too Hard or Too Soft?

(I meant to continue yesterday's post with some thoughts about my clients and heavy play but I couldn't quite seem to make the transitions work. Still can't. So. Uh. Zoom Zoom.)

Sometimes I get prospective clients who contact me fretting that, based on my MF Reviews or scene descriptions they've read on my blog, that I might play too heavy for them or might not enjoy playing with them because they can't take pain or marks or something.

Part of me, the less generous part, thinks this is just penis talk. "Ohh, you're so fierce, Mistress! I don't know if I can handle it! Wh-wh-what are you going to DO to me?!" Because, really, my Reviews rarely cover details and I would think any reasonable person would realize that the scenes I write about here are chosen for their intensity, creativity, and newsworthiness.

The other part of me gets it. No matter how experienced you are (and in some cases the more experienced you are the harder it is cause, well, you know what's out there), contacting a Mistress for the first time is scary. It's such a vulnerable introduction. And while I've never really been on the client end of the business, there've been a couple of occasions when I've had to make a blind introduction to a Mistress I admire and ... whew. Intimidating! There's this fear that you're not going to be good enough, or bothersome, or whatever. And I know I don't make it easy for you guys either cause I write all the time about how the bar's set pretty high as far as my expectations of the clients I choose to play with.

What's really interesting to me, though, are the guys who want to see me because they think I'm such a heavy player and then they get in my studio and suddenly it all seems too easy. I hope some of this is just a matter of intention: I think there are things that I do that, by another Domme would be far beyond what you could handle but because I try to create such an atmosphere of surrender what you thought was impossible is not only possible but in fact happening and it's pretty great.

Truth is, I'm kind of a softie. Forcing just isn't my style. I can take a beatdown, and I'm pretty strong, too, but I'm not going to physically overpower most men without their consent. And when it comes to corporal, the brutal sadism thing doesn't really work for me either. I can satisfy a masochist, for sure, but like, one guy said of me in a MF Review:

While I've been whipped harder (I'm sure she could do hard as well), but the mental state she got me into while whipping my ass and back was as close to a state of transcendental meditation as I had ever experienced. It's one of the few times I know I was deep into sub space.

Some of my clients will tell me, "Oh, I wish I could take more for you, be marked, so that you wouldn't have to hold back." Thing is, I like holding back. I love the self-restraint, the self-discipline. I especially love being able to get you to that place you wanna go and not leaving a mark on ya. Gawd, that's just so hot to me. It takes such skill to do that. Brutality? Feh. I'm a ballerina.

Necessary Roughness

Clients often ask me if I switch or bottom. It's weird to me how much of a stigma that carries in the realm of prodomination. So many men say they seek submission/surrender because they are so alpha/dominant/in control in their non-scene life, they seek a Dominant for balance. Why aren't ProDominas afforded the same concession? Truth is, I don't sub. I'm not good at it at all. I don't think there's submissive bone in my body. Even when I bottom for stuff -- primarily implement-driven corporal -- I'm really awful. "No, you can't tie me down." "You're putting too much attention on my right shoulder." "Vary the strokes a bit more." "Can you switch to the single tail now?" "No! Stop. Let me breathe for a minute."

I would hate topping me. (SS, SM, and MB: thank you for braving it.)

Lately, my preferred way to bottom has been for "hit by a Mack truck" drive-by beatdowns. I've done this twice: once at Black Rose, most recently at Shibaricon. In both cases I found the biggest, burliest guy I could find to initiate a surprise attack. Size is important: I gotta be able to fight back as hard as I can without worrying if I'll hurt the guy (I'm not trained in rough play so I don't really know how to attack safely.) I was flipped up, turned over, lifted by my elbow, thrown to the ground, bit, stomped on, tortured with pressure points, twisted, tossed, and once choked out to brief unconsciousness. Like a kinky rollercoaster ride. Evidently terrified some of the folks around me with all my screamin' and hollerin' but for me it was FUNNNN!

I don't get a sexual thrill, per se, from this rough play. It's more just a feeling of freefall and complete lack of control for that five or ten minutes. I love the challenge of seeing how much I can take. I love how strong I feel when it's over. Such adrenaline. RAWRRRR!

Ephemera

• At Restoration Hardware they're selling electric bug paddles for under $15. I almost bought a bouquet of them to pass out to all my Domme friends but then realized I'd have a helluva time transporting it on my bike.
• He stopped by to pick up a bag he'd inadvertently left after a party. My friend Mistress Crimson was with me at the studio. I sat him down and tied him, still dressed, to the chair and continued my conversation with Crimson while I singletailed his chest with my Coyote whip. Just 'cause I knew I could. That he would take it. He did.
• After my post on Max Fisch about mentoring by independent Dominas, I'm thinking about finally offering a public class on the business of professional domination. I've collected some really valuable advice over the years on how to manage my business. Kinda seems like information that's more useful in the long run than another class on how to throw a singletail. Any other suggestions on classes that I might want to think about teaching based on your knowledge of me?
• I'd dropped by L'Oeil Cache yesterday and spent some time chatting with my Domme friends there as they got ready for their sessions. It's been a long time since I've been in that environment. I didn't realize how much I missed it. And not just for the casual eddy of women in various states of deshabille, though that was a pleasure too.
• Will someone please get Miss Victoria X to post on her blog? I miss that li'l vixen's clawed wit.
• I love my bicycle.
  
• Why is it that at the Horses exhibit at the Museum of Natural History last Sunday, I was only interested in the whips, crops, and hardware? I even made a note to look up the "Buzkashi Riding Whip" and see if I could find one on Ebay.
  
• Been at a loss lately w/r/t blog post ideas. I'm taking requests. Muse, anyone?